New WaPo Slogan: The Runners-Up

In his first post for The Contrarian, Andy Borowitz offers creative editorial assistance to Jeff Bezos

In an effort to broaden its appeal, the Washington Post has changed its slogan from “Democracy Dies in Darkness” to “Riveting Storytelling for All of America.” The following are six runner-up slogans that were in strong contention:

The Kid Rock of Newspapers

Every Subscription Comes With Free Trump Bible 

All the News by Writers Who Haven’t Quit

News? Fuck Yeah!

Ten Millionth Subscriber Gets to Ride in Bezos’s Rocket

Release the Kraken

Editor’s note: We want your slogans, too! Please share at info@contrariannews.org. Our favorite will get a shoutout.