Inauguration to be Held Inside Cybertruck
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an eleventh-hour decision on Sunday, the Inauguration of Donald J. Trump has been moved from the Capitol Rotunda to the interior of a Tesla Cybertruck.
The change of venue, dictated by Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), means that only people with a net worth of over 100 billion will be able to attend.
“There’s room for me, Zuckerberg, and Bezos, but, unfortunately, not JD Vance,” Musk said. “I usually don’t let employees work remotely, but JD will be allowed to call in.”
The decision to hold the Inauguration inside the electric vehicle pleased Trump, who estimated the number of people inside the truck at 4 million.
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And given it’s a Tesla it suddenly caught fire before anyone can approach near it
Later on Mixtape on the Titanic
"The Cybertruck Coronation"
(To the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies")
Verse 1:
Come and listen to a story 'bout some billionaire dregs
Who moved the inauguration 'cause the weather made them beg
Said "The Capitol's too spacious, need somewhere more elite"
So they packed into a Cybertruck for Trump's executive seat!
Chorus:
(Cyber kings... Tech lords... Silicon royalty...)
Verse 2:
Now Elon's DOGE department made efficiency its aim
Said "Four people is sufficient if they've got sufficient fame"
"Sorry JD, you're too poor, boy, you'll have to phone it in"
While Zuck and Bezos squeeze inside with their titanium grins
Bridge:
(Spoken in Musk voice)
"Look, if you can't prove your worth in crypto
You'll have to watch it on my X feed
That's just basic government efficiency!"
Verse 3:
Trump surveys the stainless kingdom of his angular domain
Claims four million people fit inside (he'll tweet that claim again)
The windows may be shatterproof, but reality's not clear
As democracy gets streamlined by the billionaire frontier
Chorus:
(Remote work... Poor folks... Not invited to this tea...)
Verse 4:
So they huddle in their Cybertruck, these masters of the verse
While history takes a detour through their blockchain universe
The most exclusive inauguration that's ever come to pass
Four billionaires in angular mass-produced stainless class
Final Verse:
Now the moral of this story might be hard to understand
When oligarchs play government behind steel command
But next time someone tells you that democracy's their aim
Check if they're livestreaming from a Cybertruck of fame!
Outro:
(Spoken in Trump voice)
"Beautiful truck, really beautiful... holds more people than the Mall ever did.
Four million at least. Maybe five. The biggest inauguration in a vehicle, ever.
Everybody's saying it. Even the poor people outside are saying it.
Not that we can hear them through this beautiful stainless steel..."
Tag:
Y'all come back now, ya hear?
(If your net worth qualifies...)