Shhh, You Can Talk After the Commercials

At Least We Had the Ads...

The most insufferable team played against the team with the most insufferable fans in front of the most insufferable person. Yeah, that last one is a very close tie with Elon Musk. But I’ll give the title to Trump out of fear of retribution. And because I don’t want to read about it on Truth Social. (“I’m the BEST at being insufferable. Everybody’s saying it!”)

At least we had the commercials though, right? Finally, a night of high-quality ads. Just the break we all needed from Tom Brady and his riveting recollection of being roasted. Wait—what on earth is he doing in a commercial? Together with everyone’s favorite mascot, Snoop? On behalf of the Foundation to Combat Antisemitism? What?? I can’t like Tom Brady, but I also won’t hate on anti-hate. That would be like denying the poorest people in the world food and medicine and firing the people trying to give it to them—just as a random example.

Speaking of Brady, do the ad wizards behind the Dunkin’ Donuts spots recognize that the only people who think Boston is charming are people from Boston?

I’d much prefer the setting be an iconic New York deli. Hey…there’s Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan! “I’ll have what she’s having!” Three injections of Botox. Though, to be fair, that’s also what he’s having. I know, I know. Too far. Billy and Meg go together perfectly. Just like Taylor Swift and whatshisface. Or like peanut butter and chocolate…until we’re introduced to Reese's new Chocolate Lava Big Cup. No, America! Leave more-than-well enough alone. Who needs an extra layer of oozing molten lava? Gross. That doesn’t make us better, just fatter.

Roll the Hims & Hers obesity ad! The FDA hasn’t approved their compounded drug. Not to worry, with RFK, Jr. at the helm, what could possibly go wrong?

That reminds me, after starring in the NerdWallet commercial, that beluga probably thought the whale that RFK, Jr. decapitated and slapped to his roof for a joy ride got off easy. Do you know what that 30-second ad cost? And this, from a company that claims to be capable of advising us on our finances? They could have used that money to buy 80,000,000 Totino’s Pizza Rolls.

Or a dozen eggs. Thanks, Obama.

I’ll admit, not all of the commercials were bad. As much as I begrudge his flagrant willingness to commercialize himself, Matthew McConaughey is alright, alright, alright. And so is David Beckham, according to my wife. Willem Dafoe and Catherine O’Hara made me forget that I dislike pickleball almost as much as I dislike Pete Davidson. More Muppets, please. And the Clydesdale successfully mixed nostalgia and storytelling, as only a horse could, to remind us that our country is already pretty great (and very thirsty). But it sure would be nice to make America kind again. Maybe that’s why I liked the NFL’s Big Brothers/Big Sisters ad, as well as the one supporting girls' flag football. Something tells me that Big Balls and the teenage DOGE bros do not feel the same way.

There were some other spots I enjoyed, too. You can read about them over at The Conformist.

It’s only got 53 subscribers—all of them Senate Republicans.

Eric Schnure is a communications advisor to top executives and an adjunct professor at American University